Just Argue: Lady Gaga Takes on the Osbournes

I’m never Christmassing again. Two weeks into Blanduary and, already, I’m repenting every last sausage roll. Why is it that, year after sodding year, Saint Nick ambles out of town and we’re left holding the food baby? My qualms about December’s dumping ground don’t end with this new paunch I’m sporting, though, or with the China-sized hangover. Indeed, what riles me up most about the post-holiday blues is all this residue benevolence droll: it’s like last month’s peppy peace and goodwill, only it’s got all the pull and pizazz of Susan Boyle’s big toe. And it’s everywhere: only last week, I gave up a prime Sainsbury’s parking space because I couldn’t be doing with the bother of beeping my horn; Kat got practically let off her Derek-dalliance because Alfie just didn’t fancy the furore; and, most portent of all, the California Hamster Association have opted to forgive Justin Bieber for ill-advisedly giving his pet rodent to a fan, with a spokesperson clarifying that the organisation harbours ‘no ill will towards Mr. Bieber.’ I’ve seen bigger sparks fly in nunneries.

Who's laughing now? Kelly has made no secret of her dislike of Gaga's more zealous fans

Luckily, one story this week has dared to stick a middle finger to the slushy, sentimental drivel: the long running spat between Lady Gaga, the usual embodiment of studied nonchalance, and Kelly Osbourne, whose more recent public persona has been purged of pugnacity, has been reignited via a series of veiled online stings. It all started with the glitz of the 2012 Grammys last February, when Gaga, who was due to take to the stage for a rendition of her Marry The Night, snubbed the red carpet and its assembled paparazzi. Kelly, heading up E!’s Grammy Fashion Police coverage, was understandably a little miffed at missing out on the chance to pick apart Gaga’s tighter-than-George-Osbourne leather dress, and promptly took to the airwaves to criticise the Born This Way songstress. Regrettably for Kel (though less so for me and my current nice-nausea), Gaga’s so-called ‘Little Monster’ fans scuttled to her defence, beginning a barrage of abuse against Kelly and her comments. The tirade of tweets was pretty vile; amongst them were comments on Kelly’s weight and petitions for her to commit suicide. Since, understandably, she’s not spoken with cockle-warming love about La Ga’s extremist fans or the Lady herself, and the pair have traded catty asides on and off for nigh on a year.

Last week, Gaga once more entered the fray with an open letter to Kelly on her website. Jumping to her supporters’ aid following an interview in which Kelly once more told of their abuse, she wrote:‘While some of my fans have learning to do, most of them share the same values as I, and it's what bonds us together. And that bond is strong.’ Rather than using the note as an attempt to bury the hatchet, she opted to include digs at Kelly’s popular US show–‘I feel it culturally important to note that you have chosen a less compassionate path. Your work on E! with the Fashion Police is rooted in criticism, judgment, and rating people's beauty against one another’– and remind us all of why she, unlike Kelly, is a platinum reincarnation of Mother Theresa: ‘I choose to be positive and work towards a kinder and braver world with our community of followers.’

Force to be reckoned with: Sharon has waded into the row

What Gaga likely didn’t reckon on, however, was the repetition of a phenomenon X Factor producers were harping on about around about four months ago (and may well be again soon if recent Tulisa-less are to be believed): the return of the indomitable Sharon Osbourne. Not much of a wallflower type herself (she famously once boasted of how she would send packages of excrement to those who had dissed her family), Shaz quickly took Gaga to task with a public Facebook message: ‘I don't know what world you live in, but supporting disgraceful fan comments doesn't fall under the words "kinder and braver". It comes under the heading of bulls**t.’ Sharon admitted that she, not Kelly, had written to Gaga’s management over the pair’s feud, urging them to monitor the aggressive comments being directed to her daughter. She branded Gaga ‘a bully’ and dismissed accusations that Kelly had chosen a career that promotes negativity, writing simply: ‘Welcome to the real world.’ Gaga’s own Facebook account was updated shortly afterwards, with the star commenting: The "real world" can be cruel, why not try to change it into a better place? I am an activist. Nobody takes adolescents seriously, I do. My letter to Kelly Osbourne was open, because her statements on cyber-bulling were public & as a youth activist I'm compelled to be involved. It makes the Speidi/Rylan spat look like a kiss chase, really, doesn’t it?

Reviewing the blow-by-blow, I find it hard not to position myself firmly on Team Kelly (and that’s not just fear of receiving a Sharon poop-packet talking). First off, there’s Gaga’s sorry refusal to alienate her hardcore fans in spite of how many death threats they send. One can’t help but wonder, reading back over her letter, what it would take for the songstress to find fault with the people who buy her records. Their ‘bond’ might well be durable, but would such a self-dubbed ‘activist’ be so quick to excuse damnable tweets if they weren’t followed by the click of a download button? Then, as Sharon mentioned in her address, there’s Gaga’s astounding hypocrisy, not only in terms of condoning aggressive behavior whilst espousing anti-bullying laws, but also with regard to her entire public image. ‘Your show breeds negativity,’ she wrote to Kelly, ‘and over the years has even become comedic in nature. It glorifies you and Joan Rivers pointing in the camera, laughing, and making jokes about artists and celebrities as if we are zoo animals.’ This is coming from the woman whose more memorable outfits have included an ensemble made entirely of stitched-together Kermit the frogs, a cage headpiece (complete with chains), and that meat dress. Far from championing a life free from appearances, Gaga has founded her entire career on her appearance: Just Dance was forgettable; Pokerface downright bland; but everybody remembers the telephone-hat. Kelly, comedic? I guess that makes you Jack Whitehall, Gaga.

Not into appearances: Gaga at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards

The little and monstrous amongst us might counter that Kelly’s cultivated a similarly superficial career. Did she not rise to fame off the back of her parents? Are her shapeshifting figure and chameleon-like hair changes not mostly responsible for her remaining in the public eye, along with (as Gaga pointed out) her part in a show fuelled by criticism? Maybe, but at least Kelly’s open and relatable when it comes to her looks: she speaks at length about her battles with the bulge in interviews and encourages healthy, balanced approaches to diets. When she’s sparring with a woman who chases outlandish, unobtainable styles and refuses to be interviewed without first being attended to by her bevvy of weirdo wardrobe assistants, Kelly seems about as vain as her mother is shy.

Either way, the duo has made my January a sliver more bearable. And where might it end? Picture it: Ozzy rehearsing off his best bat-biting snarl whilst Jack bungee-jumps into the fracas and Joan Rivers eyes up the ref. Or, perhaps more likely, a mightily peeved Gaga opening her morning mail…

UPDATE: Speaking to People magazine about Ga and their spat, Kelly revealed: 'All I have to say on this subject is that I love Lady Gaga! I made stupid mistakes when I was 25, as well, when I accused people of doing things that were wrong. We all live and we learn, and like I said, I'm a big fan of hers.'

February can't come quick enough.

Kim and Kanye Take the Maternity Ward

Before I’d even stirred yesterday morning, my phone had flashed more times than Lindsay Lohan during a night on the razz. An eleventh hour deluge of New Year’s invites? Even better: ‘IT’ ‘HAS’ ‘HAPPENED’, my inbox read, ‘KIM’ ‘IS’ ‘KARRYING’. It turns out 2012 ended not with the end of mankind, but with the only event that could rival its import: Kim Kardashian, princess of the reality television kingdom, is pregnant with Kanye West’s child. West made the announcement himself, pausing an Atlantic City concert to draw a ‘shout of for his baby mama.’ Trumps announcement cards, doesn’t it? As newspapers across the globe frantically pieced together new front pages, gossip columnists, fans and the rest of the Kardashian brood tweeted support for the pop culture’s hottest couple. Since, hysteria for the Kimye bairn has trod on that for the Wales’, with one title even piecing together a digital construction of what the child will likely look like as it approaches puberty. Kreepy.

Meet the parents: Kim and Kanye

Indeed, the reaction has been cosmic even by celebrity standards; for those not acquainted with Kanye, Kim and her clan, it must be head-scratching stuff. Some might even question whether (brace yourselves) Kim’s pregnancy is any different to any other. At those people, I can only laugh: this will be the tot to end all tots; the tot to make Romeo Beckham’s Burberry deal look like a park play-date. Even without the rap star father who’s become one of the world’s most lucrative artists, this rugrat’s got the whole glossy-locked, buxom-derriered Kardashian dynasty to fall back on, which is alone enough to get Suri Cruise quaking in her Louboutins. Way back when in 2007, Paris Hilton’s BFF hit the headlines for starring in a sex-tape with then-beau Ray J. Since that time, and with the help of her so-called momager Kris Jenner, Kim has catapulted herself and her family to dizzying heights of fame. With the unfathomably successful Keeping up with the Kardashians detailing her every last mani-pedi, a string of endorsement deals and the obligatory high-profile split (or five), Kim’s influence is at its zenith; it’s little wonder the baby news is huge news to so many Kardashianites. When she jetted into London with her sisters last November to launch their own line at high-street store Dorothy Perkins, the 32-year-old beauty caused the kind of chaos this country normally only glimpses when it snows. Young women (and men) sobbed to breathe in the same air as the reality powerhouses as paparazzi camped outside the Dorchester 24/7 to get their money shots. This is the woman who called time on a 72-day marriage with Minnesota basketball player Kris Humphries because ‘her heart wasn’t connecting’ and still managed to seem like the injured party. For some time now, Kim has proved herself inviolable to the burnout of fellow reality big shots. Her entering motherhood, then, isn’t just another milestone in her particularly glitzy life; it’s a turning point for her millions of worshippers across the world.

Phenomenon: Kim, second left, with the rest of her famous family

That’s not to say that the reaction isn’t at least partly down to this being chipper news for the starlet and her achingly gorgeous mob; we care about the tyke-to-be because it comes at the close of a trying year (as they go) for Kim, and serves as the culmination to a roundabout love story with West. When she announced her split from blink-and-you’ll-miss-him-hubby Humphries in late-2011, thousands were quick to scoff at Ms. Kardashian’s lack of moral fiber; accusations of her profiting from magazine coverage of the wedding were bandied around as Kim sought refuge in LA, leaving her family to carry out damage limitation in front of every TV crew they could. Throughout 2012 Humphries lingered on gossip sites like a bad smell, reportedly protracting the divorce and dishing out subpoenas like they were Christmas cards. It’s inexplicably buoying to see Kim moving on from a time she’s understandably more than a tad embarrassed about. And then there’s West. As fans of Keeping Up and its three spinoffs well know, the rapper-cum-fashion icon enjoyed a friendship with Kim long before they got together eight months ago, albeit a toe-curlingly awkward friendship brimming with more sexual tension than Dancing on Ice (5 days to go). One of Kanye’s latest tracks, Cold, has shed the most candid light on the pair’s previous near-misses: ‘And I’ll admit,’ it goes, ‘I had fell in love with Kim, around the same time she had fell in love with him.’ Surely enough to melt even Humphries’ heart, no?

Fairytale abandoned: Kim and Kris during their 2011 wedding

The big question, of course, is what the bundle of joy will mean for the Kardashian brand. Fiercely ambitious, Kim is frequently seen on Keeping Up soaring from photo-shoot to photo-shoot aboard a private jet, and it’s exactly this sort of media assault that has kept her and her siblings in the spotlight for such an unprecedented stint. Big sister Kourtney has given birth twice since the series begun six years ago, and she and (married) youngest sister Khloe have taken noticeable steps back from the lens as family life has taken priority. In one interview barely more than a year ago, Kim famously declared ‘The show could go on for years, but when the fun stops so will we.’ I have every finger krossed that I’m wrong, but I can’t help but wonder just how fun the club appearances, chat shows and travelling will seem to Kim once she’s got a baby wailing in that private jet with her.

Lost in Translation? Rylan Clark joins Daybreak

Just six short days ago, Rylan Clarke was still a contender for X Factor glory. His live-show performances, though they exuded all the dignity of a Lindsay Lohan night-out, had won him a perma-tanned legion of voters, whilst his knee-jerk putdowns to Gary Borelow had made sure the Tulisa fag-ash-breath comment was avenged ten times over. Fast-forward from last weekend, though, and Rylan’s career direction has changed shape with the same astonishing rapidity as Lisa Riley’s gut. The Essex beanpole only got given the boot last Sunday, but by yesterday morning he’d already been unveiled by ITV’s Daybreak as a stand-in for Strictly-evictee Richard Arnold, who’s taking next week off to lick pedicure his wounds feet.   

Making his mark: Rylan wasn't known for downplayed performances

                                                           

Call me cynical, but I sense a little snag in Ry’s appointment. Richard serves as the show’s showbiz correspondent and takes his place opposite Aled and Lorraine (or Kate and Matt) every morning at 7:55 to dish entertainment dirt glitter whilst viewers tuck into their Corn Flakes. He’s carved an enviable career in journalism, beginning as a telly critic and racking up a string of gossip column accolades that have furnished him with the reputation of somewhat of a celeb-oracle. If anyone deserves credit for helping the Daybreak team claw their way back up from ratings-hell, aside from Aled Jones, it’s Arnold: the banter with whoever happens to be opposite him is the sort Cowell/Cole thrived on; and his on-screen enthusiasm makes Davina McCall and Paddy McGuiness look more like a couple of melancholic drunks.

The pro: Arnold has proved himself on breakfast telly

And then there’s Rylan. Much as he spruced up an otherwise vanilla pool of X Factor talent (I’m talking about you, Kye) and is, unquestionably, likeable, I’ve got my doubts about his taking on the role of gossip-buff. He might very well have Amy Childs on speed dial, know all the birthdates of the TOWIE cast and be able to reel off Katie Price’s entire sexual history (perhaps not all of it– nobody’s that good), but that doesn’t make him a journalist. At best, it might just make him journalism. Throughout his time on The X Factor, Rylan could be seen trying to do the breaststroke out of nightclubs and pouting harder than Victoria Beckham, smouldering at the lenses of paps and having his sound bites made into headlines. Is the distance from copy to copywriter, from star to stargazer, so paltry that it can be traversed in six days? He can handle himself in front of a camera when he’s playing his sequined celeb-bit, but I’m unconvinced that he can balance this with letting others taking the spotlight as Arnold does flawlessly day after day.

Unfortunately for Clark, this prognosis isn’t (just) fuelled by my being an envious killjoy, and a cursory glance back at another larger-than-life X Factor star who attempted to take the leap to presenting backs me up. Last year, competitor Jonny Robinson served somewhat as Rylan’s precursor; though more shrivelled, less likeable and much less likely to be seen stumbling out of Mahiki, the finalist quickly donned the costume department’s tackiest garb and clashed with Gary to scoop votes. This summer, Jonny reared his bizarrely orange head as a Hub presenter on This Morning and, somehow, managed to euthanize what emaciated public favour he had left. It wasn’t that we were sick of Jonny, it was that he flapped around, fluffed his lines and flirted, sickeningly, with Eamonn Holmes. In short, he didn’t have the faintest idea how to handle himself as a presenter, despite being irritatingly comfortable in his X Factor role.              

Success story: Olly with fellow Xtra host Caroline Flack

What’s interesting is how this rule hasn’t plagued the presenting credentials of the more (how shall we phrase this?) natural Olly Murs. Alongside Caroline Flack, he’s obliterated any traces of amateurishness left on the Xtra Factor by Konnie Huq and turned the ITV2 sister-show into a ratings hit. Some of this has to do with his taking to the autocue under the same roof that he shimmied his way to the final; he needs only to empathise with contestants rather than metamorphose into a gossip geek as Rylan will be called to do on Monday morning. But perhaps Olly’s success as a presenter comes too from his refusal to slip into The X Factor panto whilst he was on the show himself. Unlike Rylan, he didn’t cultivate the “reality-star” image or depend on drama to get ahead, meaning that his stepping out of the limelight is all the more believable. This analysis doesn’t just hold true with Olly’s presenting prospects. Myleene Klass got ample cleavage-coverage during her Hear’Say stint and in I’m A Celebrity…, but would she have been such a shoe-in for the countless presenting gigs she’s had since if it weren’t for her spurning of celebrity glamour?

Rylan’s Daybreak stretch next week might very well prove me wrong, but I can’t imagine hearing the showbiz news from a guy who still is the showbiz news. Next Saturday marks The X Factor final, and Rylan the presenter will no doubt be speculating about the show before Rylan the performer hurtles off to practice his part in rehearsals. Perhaps this is that envious killjoy in me again, but could ITV have not stumped up for a more adept entertainment correspondent, if only until Rylan’s fake-bake has been cleaned out of the X Factor dressing rooms?