I don’t set much stock by maxims. The adage
was old 20 years ago; by now it’s senile. A man isn’t known by the company he
keeps; he’s known by his Facebook friends. First come, first served? Not if
Ticketmaster has anything to do with it. And don’t even get me started on the
‘like father, like son’ claptrap. For all the proverbial poppycock, though,
there’s at least one dictum I’ve always been more than happy to go with. Slow
and steady? Sounds like my kind of race.
Indeed, I’ve never been much bothered by my
alacrity aversion; give me the tortoise over the hare any day. And in 21 years,
Sports Day relays excluded, my leisurely pace hasn’t done me any harm (and probably
saved me a bomb in speeding fines). For this week’s X Factor blog, however, I’ve vowed to crank up the tempo. It seems
like anyone who’s anyone in television journalism has had a bash at
live-blogging, so tonight I’m saying to hell with the pensive, paced approach
and giving it a whirl myself. Here’s to hoping I can be a smidge more eloquent
than Nicole if-she’s-sober-I’m-the-Pope Scherzinger.
8:24 A couple of preliminary thoughts: 1) Where
was Dermot’s dance? 2) Why is Gangnam
Style still legal? 3) Why has nobody given Gary Barlow a razor?
 |
| Under the weather: Lucy left the show earlier today |
8:26 So Lucy Spraggan’s dropped out of the
competition due to illness. Have these people not heard of PR? Nowadays, dodgy health is a must have for pop
stars. Malaria didn’t do Chezza much harm in the long run, now, did it? The VTs
would have been perfect. Lucy could have whimpered her way through interviews
whilst Rylan Clarke encouraged her to consume maximum amounts of fluid and Gary
Barlow sat looking severe in the corner. Pretty much like every other week,
then…
8:30 Last week, Rylan promised to ‘strip
things down’ to prove his singing credentials to Gary. This is stripped down? Brian Friedman might have spread his wings,
but the new production team have made sure Rylan’s performance has about all
the subtlety of a Britney Spears breakdown.
8:33 It's crunch time: how did the new,
more muted Rylan go down with Gazza? ‘I’ve got a feeling that might have been
your last performance on the X Factor.’ Could have gone better.
 |
| Who's judging who, here? |
8:36 Nothing like an advert break to put a
heaving commercial dampener on proceedings. Anyone would think ITV cared about
profit…
8:42 After landing themselves in the
bottom two last week, this week’s Union J VT seems keen to let the lads’ larger-than-Gary’s-ego personalities shine through. Good luck with that one.
8:45 Union J’s cover of Taylor Swift’s Love Story, if truth be told, isn’t half
bad. One Direction they ain’t, but at least the dancing’s been reigned in. A
bit.
8:47 Gary jokes that George has ‘too much
hair’ and doesn’t quite blend with the band. Yes Gary, it is good hair, but that doesn’t mean you should go for the same
style around your jaw.
8:53 Is it just me, or is Kye Sones so cringe-worthily
mediocre that he gives you face ache? He seems like a nice enough guy, but
we’ve already had ten Matt Cardles off the back of this show, thanks very much.
8:57 More adverts: delectable. Why, oh
why, is this show not on BBC?
 |
| Credible: James Arthur has emerged as a fan favourite |
9:01 Next up: James Arthur. Someone pass
me the valium. This new edgy side to contestants should have been booted out
along with Cher Lloyd.
9:03 After a masterclass with No Doubt,
James is tackling their signature track Don’t
Speak. He might not be much of a smiler, but Jimmy’s one of the few acts
that’s managed salvage some authenticity as the weeks have gone by. And this performance
is the best so far. No Doubt about it (sorry). But if he wins, will we be
handed some raw, moody number as our 2012 Christmas Number One? Think I’d have
to stick to Jingle Bells.
9:08 Not got much of a way with words,
this one, has he?
9:14 Time for Ella Henderson. Last week, I
was let down by Ella’s butchering of Evanescence; it was all too try hard. So
what’s the ‘simple, piano ballad’ she’s opted for to get things back on track?
Katy Perry’s Firework, apparently…
9:17 Ten seconds in, and Ella’s doing the
track justice. I know people parrot on about it, but this girl’s 16, for crying out loud. The show’s
taken a lot of stick for making cash cows out of kids, but having a teenage
girl on the box without a baby bump in tow makes a nice change (see EastEnders: Lola Pearce. Actually, see
EastEnders: most 16 year old girls).
9:20 Looks like Nicole’s been on the sauce.
‘I thought I was in a movie’. Someone get her a kebab; she’s done for the
night.
9:22 Seems District 3 are also taking the
getting-to-know-you angle. Unlike Union J, though, these guys do seem to have something about them; they’re a YouTube
hit, were legitimately childhood friends and even hold their own with Gwen
Stefani.
9:24 Shame they can’t sing.
9:28 Well that went down about as well as Tulisa
in a nunnery.
9:32 A Twilight advert, a DFS jingle and a Calpol
6+ plug. Interesting mix.
9:35 Time for Jahmene, and this week he’s
gone for the Beyoncé classic Listen.
Sounds to me like that high note’s a tad out of little J’s reach. He can hold a
tune, but I’ve seen more personality from my wastepaper bin. God, imagine if
they pair him up with Leona Lewis in the final. Plus he’s downright creepy. Not
quite what the show needs as its new poster boy…
 |
| Would he be missed? Christopher hasn't made many friends backstage |
9:48 I can’t help but feel a little sorry
for Christopher. It all started so well; his first audition had the semi-sob
story, the shakes and the solid song. And now what? He’s hounded by ‘diva’
headlines, he’s rumored to be vastly unpopular backstage, and he’s belting out All By Myself only to be told by Louis
Walsh that he isn’t current enough. This is from the man who only just gave up
Westlife…
10:00 And we’re done. Jonathan Ross can
speak for himself. This brisk thing’s a killer.
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