I’m never Christmassing again. Two weeks into
Blanduary and, already, I’m repenting every last sausage roll. Why is it that, year after sodding year, Saint Nick ambles out of town and we’re left holding
the food baby? My qualms about December’s dumping
ground don’t end with this new paunch I’m sporting, though, or with the
China-sized hangover. Indeed, what riles me up most about the post-holiday
blues is all this residue benevolence droll: it’s like last month’s peppy peace
and goodwill, only it’s got all the pull and pizazz of Susan Boyle’s big toe.
And it’s everywhere: only last week, I gave up a prime Sainsbury’s parking
space because I couldn’t be doing with the bother of beeping my horn; Kat got
practically let off her Derek-dalliance because Alfie just didn’t fancy the
furore; and, most portent of all, the California Hamster Association have opted
to forgive Justin Bieber for ill-advisedly giving his pet rodent to a fan, with
a spokesperson clarifying that the organisation harbours ‘no ill will towards
Mr. Bieber.’ I’ve seen bigger sparks fly in nunneries.
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| Who's laughing now? Kelly has made no secret of her dislike of Gaga's more zealous fans |
Luckily, one story this week has dared to stick
a middle finger to the slushy, sentimental drivel: the long running spat
between Lady Gaga, the usual embodiment of studied nonchalance, and Kelly
Osbourne, whose more recent public persona has been purged of pugnacity, has
been reignited via a series of veiled online stings. It all started with the
glitz of the 2012 Grammys last February, when Gaga, who was due to take to the
stage for a rendition of her Marry The Night, snubbed the red carpet and
its assembled paparazzi. Kelly, heading up E!’s Grammy Fashion Police
coverage, was understandably a little miffed at missing out on the chance to
pick apart Gaga’s tighter-than-George-Osbourne leather dress, and promptly took
to the airwaves to criticise the Born This Way songstress. Regrettably
for Kel (though less so for me and my current nice-nausea), Gaga’s so-called
‘Little Monster’ fans scuttled to her defence, beginning a barrage of abuse
against Kelly and her comments. The tirade of tweets was pretty
vile; amongst them were comments on Kelly’s weight and petitions for her to
commit suicide. Since, understandably, she’s not spoken with cockle-warming
love about La Ga’s extremist fans or the Lady herself, and the pair have traded
catty asides on and off for nigh on a year.
Last week, Gaga once more entered the fray with an
open letter to Kelly on her website. Jumping to her supporters’ aid following
an interview in which Kelly once more told of their abuse, she wrote:‘While
some of my fans have learning to do, most of them share the same values as I,
and it's what bonds us together. And that bond is strong.’ Rather than
using the note as an attempt to bury the hatchet, she opted to include digs at
Kelly’s popular US show–‘I feel it culturally important to note that you
have chosen a less compassionate path. Your work on E! with the Fashion Police
is rooted in criticism, judgment, and rating people's beauty against one
another’– and remind us all of why she, unlike Kelly, is a platinum
reincarnation of Mother Theresa: ‘I choose to be positive and work towards a
kinder and braver world with our community of followers.’
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| Force to be reckoned with: Sharon has waded into the row |
What Gaga likely didn’t reckon on, however, was the
repetition of a phenomenon X Factor producers were harping on about
around about four months ago (and may well be again soon if recent Tulisa-less
are to be believed): the return of the indomitable Sharon Osbourne. Not much of
a wallflower type herself (she famously once boasted of how she would send
packages of excrement to those who had dissed her family), Shaz quickly took
Gaga to task with a public Facebook message: ‘I don't know what world you
live in, but supporting disgraceful fan comments doesn't fall under the words
"kinder and braver". It comes under the heading of bulls**t.’ Sharon
admitted that she, not Kelly, had written to Gaga’s management over the pair’s
feud, urging them to monitor the aggressive comments being directed to her
daughter. She branded Gaga ‘a bully’ and dismissed accusations that Kelly
had chosen a career that promotes negativity, writing simply: ‘Welcome to
the real world.’ Gaga’s own Facebook account was updated shortly
afterwards, with the star commenting: The
"real world" can be cruel, why not try to change it into a better
place? I am an activist. Nobody takes adolescents seriously, I do. My letter to
Kelly Osbourne was open, because her statements on cyber-bulling were public
& as a youth activist I'm compelled to be involved. It makes the Speidi/Rylan spat look like a kiss chase,
really, doesn’t it?
Reviewing the blow-by-blow, I find it
hard not to position myself firmly on Team Kelly (and that’s not just fear of receiving a Sharon poop-packet talking). First off, there’s Gaga’s sorry
refusal to alienate her hardcore fans in spite of how many death threats they
send. One can’t help but wonder, reading back over her letter, what it would
take for the songstress to find fault with the people who buy her records. Their ‘bond’ might well be durable, but would such a self-dubbed ‘activist’ be
so quick to excuse damnable tweets if they weren’t followed by the click of a
download button? Then, as Sharon mentioned in her address, there’s Gaga’s
astounding hypocrisy, not only in terms of condoning aggressive behavior whilst
espousing anti-bullying laws, but also with regard to her entire public image. ‘Your show
breeds negativity,’ she wrote to Kelly, ‘and over the years has
even become comedic in nature. It glorifies you and Joan Rivers pointing in the
camera, laughing, and making jokes about artists and celebrities as if we are
zoo animals.’ This is coming from the woman whose more memorable outfits
have included an ensemble made entirely of stitched-together Kermit the frogs,
a cage headpiece (complete with chains), and that meat dress. Far from
championing a life free from appearances, Gaga has founded her entire career on
her appearance: Just Dance was forgettable; Pokerface
downright bland; but everybody remembers the telephone-hat. Kelly, comedic? I
guess that makes you Jack Whitehall, Gaga.
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| Not into appearances: Gaga at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards |
The little and monstrous amongst us might counter
that Kelly’s cultivated a similarly superficial career. Did she not rise to
fame off the back of her parents? Are her shapeshifting figure and
chameleon-like hair changes not mostly responsible for her remaining in the
public eye, along with (as Gaga pointed out) her part in a show fuelled by
criticism? Maybe, but at least Kelly’s open and relatable when it comes to her
looks: she speaks at length about her battles with the bulge in interviews and
encourages healthy, balanced approaches to diets. When she’s sparring with a
woman who chases outlandish, unobtainable styles and refuses to be interviewed
without first being attended to by her bevvy of weirdo wardrobe assistants,
Kelly seems about as vain as her mother is shy.
Either way, the duo has made my January a sliver more
bearable. And where might it end? Picture it: Ozzy rehearsing off his best
bat-biting snarl whilst Jack bungee-jumps into the fracas and Joan Rivers eyes
up the ref. Or, perhaps more likely, a mightily peeved Gaga opening her morning
mail…
UPDATE: Speaking to People magazine about
Ga and their spat, Kelly revealed: 'All I have to say on this subject is that I love
Lady Gaga! I made stupid mistakes when I was 25, as well,
when I accused people of doing things that were wrong. We all live and we
learn, and like I said, I'm a big fan of hers.'
February can't come quick enough.
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